Minuets Assemble!
by Bar Sira
Summary: What a difference one word can make…
1. Scepter, Rogers, Naval, Hos

**Author's note:** As my regular readers know, I have made it a hobby of late to take passages I find on Harry Potter stories that have one crucial word misspelled or misused, and then write stories in which these malapropisms are taken literally. Now, we all know that such passages are not confined to the Harry Potter subcategory; hence, the present collection of Avengers tales. As in the original "Minuets", the attributions may or may not be verifiable when you read this, since the authors in question may choose to correct their syntax, change their pen names, and/or delete their stories; still, you have my word that these passages have all really appeared in this subcategory.

A word about technique. Obviously, none of these vignettes actually reflect the intentions of the authors quoted, and in many cases the whole context of the passage has been radically altered. However, I have made it an ironclad rule that any pronoun will refer to the same person or thing in the Minuet as in the original story, and any direct quote will be attributed to the same character. (And of course this applies to OCs and historical figures as well as to canon characters.)

 **Disclaimer:** The Marvel Cinematic Universe belongs to Disney and Marvel Studios; the stories quoted belong to the authors named; the cover image is by Filippo Baratti; various other allusions to works and persons not my own abound. The stories themselves, however, are strictly my own work.

 **Other _Minuets_ collections:** If you enjoy these tales, you may also wish to look into "Minuets in Aeolian Mode" (Percy Jackson and the Olympians), "Minuets by Brain Matter" (NCIS), "Minuets by John Williams" (Star Wars), "Minuets by Guitar Villain" (Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir), and "Minuets with Bombadil" (Lord of the Rings) – and, of course, the Harry Potter series that started it all, "Minuets in B Minor". All are currently available on my profile.

* * *

 _"And a classmate literally wearing a shield on his back while this other student had a specter leaning on his desk."_ –Pokemon E. Z, summary to "Avengers Academy"

"Mother," said Loki through gritted teeth, "truly, you don't need to hang around like this. I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself in a Midgardian classroom."

The spectral form of Queen Frigg just smiled, and reached out to stroke his dark hair. "Well, forgive me for being concerned about my littlest boy, O great prince," she said. "You know as well as I do what a propensity you have to mischief; I dread to think what you might get up to in a place like this, with no Aesir authority figures around to keep you honest. And not just for the sake of your victims, either," she added, shooting a glance at the blond youth a few desks over. "That Rogers boy is just the sort to try and take a god to task if justice required it – and, mortal though he may be, I do think that shield on his back could do you some damage."

Loki sighed. "All right, fine," he said. "But do you have to actually lean on my desk? You'd keep me just as honest standing over by the hamster cage, wouldn't you?"

"Of course," said Frigg with a sly grin. "But then I wouldn't have so good a view of Mr. Fury's class across the hall – and you know how your mother feels about men with eye-patches."

* * *

 _"Rumors continue to abound on the present location of Iron Man, especially since Roger's has made numerous public challenges for Iron Man to come out and fight in person."_ –Black' Victor Catchat, "Love and Civil War"

Roger Ailes gazed sourly out his villa window, at the swaying palm trees and sparkling ocean waters beyond. Hitherto, the millionaire Fox News CEO had never regretted buying a small Caribbean island as a vacation getaway; it made a pleasant change of pace, now and then, when he wanted to escape from the tawdry shrillness of the culture wars. Nor would he have been regretting it now, if it hadn't recently developed a bad habit of…

As if in response to his thought, the ground suddenly began to surge and quiver beneath him, and a thunderous voice reverberated from the bowels of the earth. "Out with thee, Tony Stark!" it cried, fiery hatred breathing in every syllable. "Thou plated coward, wilt thou still refuse me satisfaction? For eighteen days and nights have I continuously challenged thee, yet no gleam have I seen of thy vaunted armor. Again I charge thee, come and do battle with me – for many men of iron lie shattered beneath my sands, and I crave to add thee to their number. Come and fight, I say, lest all the world know that Iron Man feareth to meet the awesome power and ageless wrath of… COBALT ISLAND!"

As the last words echoed across the sea, the ground resumed its immobility, and Ailes rose from the floor where he had fallen and rubbed his bruised shoulder. "Well, that settles it," he muttered. "I have _got_ to find a new location."

* * *

 _"'The US Navy invited him so he could help them crack navel Enigmas,' Cap said."_ –Books of Change, "Clause for Women, Children, and Infirm"

Alan Turing ran a hand through his hair, and sighed. "All right, Mr. Secretary," he said. "Could you try, just once more, to explain what it is I'm doing here?"

"You're here," said the Secretary of the Navy patiently, "because a series of mysterious designs have, for the past several weeks, been appearing around the navel of a certain key figure in one of our most sensitive offices. We have reason to believe that they are messages sent from extra-terrestrial beings, and we want you to help us crack these Enigmas –" Turing could hear the capital letter in his voice "– and determine whether the intent behind them is hostile or benign."

Turing nodded. "Yes, that's what your President said," he remarked, "but I thought perhaps he'd just been drinking. All right, then – but may I ask why it had to be me, rather than someone from your own code department?"

"Because," said a familiar voice from behind him, "if I'm to bare my midriff for a cryptographer, I want it to be one I trust to keep his mind on cryptography."

Turing turned sharply, and stared at the shapely brunette who stood in the doorway. "Peggy?"

"Hello, Alan," said Peggy Carter with a smile. "Been quite a while, hasn't it?"

* * *

 _"That's even dumber than the rumor going around on the Internet that he's a pimp and we're all his hoes."_ –Bleeding Jazz Gums, "A for Effort"

"Oh, this one's interesting," said Clint, and began to read aloud from an article on TrueAvengersRevelations-dot-Com. "'When S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Phil Coulson isn't actively engaged in his sex-trafficking business, he enjoys working in his garden. Of course, sometimes the ground's a little hard, but that's no problem: he just grabs the nearest Avenger, ties him up, and whacks at the topsoil with him until it's broken into manageable clods.'"

A thoughtful silence followed this revelation, which Steve, glancing quizzically at the others, eventually took it upon himself to break. "Um… we didn't go back to lead plumbing while I was in the ice, did we?" he said.

"So we're Phil's hoes now?" Tony snorted. "Please. Tony Stark is no one's hoe."

"Of course not," said Natasha with a wry smirk. "Everyone knows you're a rake."


	2. Work, Minds, Sergeant, Lie

_"This is the most serious I've ever been in years[,] Bruce. Trust me. I'm sure this can works."_ –TheRubyJailCell, "Perfection"

"That's what you said about the spring water from Florida, too," Bruce remarked.

Tony shrugged. "Everyone's entitled to one mistake," he said. "Come on, Bruce, have a little faith. How are you going to feel when six-year-old me's running around wreaking winsome havoc on the Tower, and you and Big Green are still too grown-up and boring to join him?"

And because no-one else on Earth would ever have used those two adjectives to describe the Other Guy, Bruce laughed aloud and permitted himself to be sucked into his friend's hare-brained de-aging scheme once again. "Okay, Tony, have it your way," he said. "So what do we need to do?"

And thus it came about that, when Steve poked his head into the lab to notify them of the latest crisis, he found all the lab equipment shoved up against the walls, Tony's sound system blasting the _Twilight Zone_ theme, and, in the center of the cleared floor, two of Earth's mightiest heroes solemnly playing Kick the Can.

* * *

 _"While he had seen Jane working on the portals, he hadn't expected her to achieve in a year what had taken Asgard's finest mines two hundred years."_ –Nimbus Llewelyn, "Child of the Storm"*

 _Well, that's the end,_ came the soundless "voice" of Loki's hastily disembodied mind, as the Nine Realms' last material particle – a muon, as it happened – quivered momentarily on the brink and then plunged into the all-annihilating Un-Realm. _I congratulate you, Miss Foster; your sub-etheric portal array achieved its function magnificently._

 _Sorry,_ said Jane faintly.

There was a moment's pregnant pause, which Heimdall, more or less unexpectedly, was the one to break. _It is said,_ he remarked, _that, in the days of Bor, Asgard developed space-mines so fearsome that their detonation could nullify the vibrations of matter itself. They were the finest explosive weapons ever developed, by Asgard or any other people – yet Bor declared that they must be destroyed, and all memory of them obliterated, for the chain reactions that would follow upon their use would surely destroy Yggdrasil and all matter within two centuries._

He let that hang in the universal silence for a moment, and then added, _I did not foresee, Prince Thor, that your bride would equal this feat in just under a year. A great enchantress, indeed._

 _Look,_ Jane snapped, _I_ said _I'm sorry, all right?_

* * *

 _"'Some soldier, a Sargent. James Buchanan Barnes[,]' Lavira said[,] sipping her beer."_ –Merle's girl26, "Secrets of the Past"

"Really?" The man continued to stare at the old portrait, a look of hungry cunning coming into his eyes. "It does look like Sargent's early style, certainly. About 1900, would you say?"

Lavira shrugged. "Guess so. My grandfather bought it at an auction sometime in the '50s; I wouldn't know before that."

"No," her guest murmured. "No, of course not. But Barnes… how could Barnes have…"

Abruptly, he turned to Lavira, and withdrew a checkbook from his suit jacket. "How much would you ask for this painting, Miss Barton?" he said. "I believe I should like to display it at my place of work."

Lavira blinked, then concluded that it was some kind of joke and laughed. "Oh, I don't know," she said. "Twenty million, maybe? Old Masters, you know…"

"Done." With lightning speed, the man filled out a check, ripped in from the book, and pressed it into his dazed hostess's hand. "Marthe!" he called, the nine-headed ring on his hand glinting as he gestured for his date. "Take this picture out to the car, would you?"

* * *

 _"I don't remember telling you to lay down."_ –futurerustfuture-dust, "Number One Crush"

"No, you didn't," Natasha acknowledged. "But you're such a good friend and leader, I felt that your room in the new Facility should have every luxury. And there's nothing more luxurious, when you've gotten back from a hard day's struggle with genocidal robots, than being able to plop down onto a floor laid with down and roll around in it with no clothes on."

"Oh, really?"

"Absolutely," said Natasha. "Ask anyone. And now, if you'll excuse me, I still have one full pillow left over, so I think I'll go make a start on Wanda's room. She could use the pick-me-up, don't you think?"

She slipped out the door, shutting it behind her, and Steve was left alone in his new bedroom. For a long moment, he just stood and stared at the thousands of goose feathers that the world's most dangerous secret operative had strewn across the floor; then he shrugged, pulled off his shirt, and pitched himself forward onto the ground.

 _What the heck,_ he thought to himself. _It's been a long time now since I had asthma issues…_

* * *

*Crossover with Harry Potter.


	3. Reactor, Souls, A, Planet

_"After studying and scanning the rector, Stark, with the help of Erskine, had drawn out a basic design."_ –Kiragirl17, "Malfunctioning Time"

"Howard, this is incredible," said Peggy breathlessly. "A whole hidden civilization of sentient robots, with its own social, political, and religious structures, hidden right under our noses for a hundred years… honestly, how is it even possible?"

"Got me," said Howard abstractedly, as he added the final touches to the sketch he was working on. "This Horton fellow must have been a real piece of work, that's all I can say."

Laying his pencil aside, he blew the graphite dust off his sketch and held it up for his other companion to view. "What do you think, Ersk?" he said. "Did I miss any major positronic pathways?"

Erskine studied the sketch critically. "No, I don't think so," he said. "I won't say that it's identical in every detail to the good Rector's brain schematic, but it does seem to contain all the crucial attributes."

He turned to the gleaming, metallic clergyman at his side. "All right, Father Hammond," he said, "I think we can let you go now. So sorry to trouble you."

"Not at all, Doctor," said the rector of St. Albert's, with a slight bow. "It shall always be my pleasure to be of service to humanity."

* * *

 _"Mr. Stark regretfully tells us that Peter Parker was one of those poor soles that has deceased via unknown causes."_ –SoftballSuperhero, "The Board of Education"

"Poor thing," Pepper said softly, poking the dead flatfish with her gloved finger. "We are going to find out what's killing them, aren't we?"

With unwonted tenderness, Tony reached out and stroked her hair. "What do you think?" he said. "You think I'm going to let all these deaths go unavenged? Wanda, Nick, Maria, now Peter – what kind of ichthyologist would I be if I let their memories down?"

Pepper sighed. "Honestly, Tony," she said, "did you _have_ to name the soles after our friends? You know it just makes things worse, right?"

Tony shrugged. "Well, when I took this job for the Fishery Commission, I didn't know this was going to happen, did I?" he said. "Anyway… toss me that thermometer, and let's see how Reed here is doing."

Pepper nodded and reached for the kit at her side; then she paused, and blinked. "Reed?" she said. "Do I know a Reed?"

Tony just smiled mysteriously.

* * *

 _"190 Days, an Once Upon a Time + Avengers Crossover fanfic"_ –page heading for a story by GAvillain

Alfonso XI of Castile and Leon, called the Just, stroked his beard thoughtfully. "So then, Don Nicolás," he said, "you would have me use the powers I wrested from the Moors of Algeciras to support your band of avenging warriors during the seventeen weeks and a day that I shall spend in your era. _¿Verdad?_ "

"If you'd be so kind, Your Grace," said Fury.

Alfonso pondered briefly, then nodded. "Be it so," he said. "I have seen little in this time that has been worthy of my esteem; you and yours are among the few, and it will gladden me to give them what aid I may. And now," he added, re-shouldering his sack of mystic Marinid relics, "may I hope that there is a chamber in this dwelling where a wanderer from bygone days may spend the night?"

Fury gestured to Maria, who nodded and led Alfonso from the room. As they went, Natasha came up behind the Director, and cocked an eyebrow at the Anscarid's retreating form. "So, Director," she remarked, "you're telling me that, the next time the Avengers assemble, you plan to loose Alfonso Once, armed with half a dozen arcane weapons that he took from Spanish Moors at sword-point, upon a time that thinks the very idea of a Christian king fighting Muslims is the worst kind of barbaric savagery imaginable?"

"Pretty much, yeah," said Fury.

Natasha grinned. "Sounds like fun," she said. "I'll have to stay healthy for it."

* * *

 _"'I will_ buy _Pluto and have it_ declared _a plane,' he said."_ –Irony-chan, "Brisingr"

Steve cocked his head, and glanced again at the solar-system model behind him. "Well, you can declare whatever you want, Tony," he said slowly, "but it's still going to _be_ a sphere. Like Lincoln said about emancipation: if you call a tail a leg…"

"See, this is your problem, Cap," said Tony. "You're so stuck in your little black-and-white Forties, you think reality is something objective that you can just _find_. You don't get that we've broken down the barriers now, and subjected _all_ truth to the individual will. So what if anyone who just looked at Pluto would call it a sphere? If its owner decides it's a plane, then what it looks like doesn't matter. Nothing matters!" he shouted, so abruptly that the other Avengers jumped. "You hear me? _Everything_ is up for grabs. Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. The world was made badly, and _we will_ …"

WHACK!

Tony blinked, and slowly raised his hand to rub the back of his head. "Thanks, Bruce," he said. "I needed that."


	4. To Grips With, Turned Out, Suit, Bengal

_"Tony must come to the gripes at the death of Peter."_ –Going to enjoy this, summary to "Death of a Spider"

"Come on, Tony," said Maria Stark sternly. "You know you're just wasting time. You promised your father you'd read this whole book of Russian heroic poetry by Saturday, and you knew perfectly well that that meant you'd have to come sooner or later to the _Lament of the Troops on the Death of Peter the Great_. Or if you didn't know, it's your own fault; you're quite smart enough to have found the table of contents."

Her teenage son groaned. "Aw, Mom, do I have to?" he said. "Won't Dad understand if I just skip it? I mean, seriously, why is it so important to have read a bunch of 200-year-old soldiers' gripes about their czar being dead?"

"You never know," said Mrs. Stark glibly. "Someday a beautiful Russian spy may infiltrate Stark Enterprises disguised as your secretary, and you'll need to be able to melt her heart by recalling to her mind the noble and beautiful songs of her homeland."

Young Tony snorted. "Yeah, sure," he said. "I'd like to meet the Russian spy who'd waste her time with this crud."

" _Ахъ, ты ягодка-сомородинка, распрекрасное мое_ _деревцо! Ты когда взошла_ _, когда выросла, ты когда цвела, когда вызрела?_ "

A yelp echoed from a corner of the room; the fifty-year-old scene flickered and vanished, and Tony Stark – the real one – glared at the redhead leaning against the doorway. "Natasha," he groaned, "did I _ask_ you to keep sneaking into my holographic self-therapy sessions?"

* * *

 _"As it turned[,] the Scepter could also grant special abilities."_ –Dovahkiin1503, "A Link between Minds"*

 _"The wall to your left. I'm reading steel reinforcement – and an air current."_

Pietro Maximoff didn't wait to hear any more; he knew what was behind that wall, imbuing superhuman power to himself and his sister as it slowly turned in midair. With lightning speed, he bolted from the doorway where he had been crouching; in a matter of seconds, he had run halfway through the castle, to the stairway his sister was just turning to descend. "Wanda, you must come with me," he said. "Stark has located the secret chamber, and is using his armor to guard the anteroom while he investigates. We cannot permit him to seize the Scepter; if he interferes with its rotation, the trauma of the de-enhancement may kill us both."

Wanda smiled darkly and thrust her arms downward; a cushion of scarlet force lifted her off the ground, and she dropped herself adroitly onto her brother's shoulders. "Don't worry, Pietro," she whispered in his ear, flexing the crackling residue of her hex field. "He won't get that far."

* * *

 _"The only time those people blurred together was on the occasions that she caught a glance of Peter, unmasked, in his suite after patrol."_ –SoftballSuperhero, "MAYking Discoveries"

"Hello, front desk?" said Peter Parker, leaning back on the king-size bed and clinking the ice-cubes in his Coke glass. "Could you send this room a wake-up call at 6:30 tomorrow morning? I've had a long evening patrolling the streets for criminals, and I don't want to be late for Tony Stark's formal recognition of me as sole heir to his vast fortune."

There was a pause while the desk clerk presumably spoke; then Peter grinned. "Pretty jazzed, yeah," he said. "So you must wake and call me early, call me early, desk-clerk dear; tomorrow'll be the happiest time of all the glad New Year. Tomorrow'll be of all the year the maddest, merriest day, for I'm to be King of the May, desk-clerk, I'm to…" He broke off, and frowned at the handset; then he shrugged, and replaced it on the cradle. "Well, okay, if that's what she thinks of Tennyson."

May chuckled softly as she rose from the keyhole. It was times like this, she thought, that made her realize just how much continuity there was between her nephew's two identities. It was just like Spider-Man to play the smart-aleck know-it-all even in the luxury suite of the Mandarin Oriental – and it was just like Peter Parker to have made sure that his aunt had an even more luxurious suite next door.

* * *

 _"She was supposed to be in the training hall with Natasha and Sam, but running around HQ as a bangle tiger was so much more fun!"_ –TheTornPage, "Wanting a Family"

"Annalise," said Steve, in what seemed to him a remarkably patient tone, "where did you get that body?"

The glowing yellow tiger in front of her raised its head and grinned, showing a mouthful of implausibly large teeth. _*It's part of the etching on that new bangle Wanda got from Tiffany's,*_ it said, in the telepathic "voice" of the Avengers' newest recruit. _*You know, the one that shows the Chinese zodiac? I used my mental powers to superimpose the design onto a sunbeam, and then projected my consciousness into the resulting energy construct. Don't you think it's pretty?*_

"Gorgeous," Steve lied. (In fact, he'd never much cared for Oriental art; the old Dutch masters were the painters for his money.) "But I don't think an enlarged bangle tiger's going to stand much chance in the training session you're supposed to be at right now, so maybe you'd better think about popping back into your ordinary material body and scurrying on over there."

Annalise scrunched her stylized face into a disappointed pout. _*Oh, you're no fun.*_

"Nope," said Steve blithely. "Never was, never will be. Come on, spit-spot; we don't want to keep Nat and Sam waiting."

* * *

*Crossover with Harry Potter.


	5. Led, Guarvengers, Specks, Cavalry

_"It all started back when the Avengers were on a mission in Lagos, trying to stop a gang of criminals being lead by Rumlow…"_ –UltimateNerdGirl, "We Meet Again"

"Unhand us!" cried the Black Knight, squirming fruitlessly against his otherworldly bonds. "What do you want with the Masters of Evil, you freakish space dilettante?"

"Oh, nothing much," said Taneleer Tivan, lovingly toying with the transmutation ray in his hand. "Only to turn your bodies into solid lead, and then take them back to Knowhere and display them in my collection beside your friend Crossbones. You ought to be proud, gentlemen; the Collector doesn't take such trouble for just _any_ human criminals."

He raised the ray-gun thoughtfully. "Let's see, whom first?" he murmured. "Perhaps you, Mr. Horgan." He took aim at the cringing Melter –

– and then the wall of the abandoned warehouse shattered, and a sudden shaft of tropical sunlight momentarily dazzled captor and captives alike. The Collector, with his superhuman regenerative powers, recovered first; when he saw the polychromatic forms of the Avengers surging in to rescue their erstwhile enemies, he rolled his eyes and let out a whistling sigh through his teeth. "Oh, damn."

* * *

 _"The Gaurvengers didn't actually kill Flash[;] they just said that[,] 'He is our son/nephew… DO NOT MESS WITH HIM. Understood?'"_ –Marvelcrazed, "Injured, Sick, Hurt, and in Pain"*

"Yes," said Flash, nodding spasmodically. "Understood. Right. Definitely."

"Good," said Iron Gaur, swishing his huge, titanium-sheathed horns from side to side. "Because, you know, Mr. Thompson, if we ever got to hear that you _had_ messed with little Spider-Gaur – that our herd had entrusted one of its most promising young calves to your people only for him to be needlessly tormented and abused… well, I don't think it would be very healthy for you. What do you think, Cap?"

"I'd have to agree," said an even bigger bull gaur next to him, on whose massive shoulder was hung a huge shield painted with the national colors of India. "After all, we are the mightiest heroes of Earth-105993, on whose shoulders the safety of every bovoid race in our galaxy directly or indirectly rests; we can't afford to let Mrtyu and his ilk think that some little hominid bully was a match for us." And he pawed the ground significantly with his right forehoof.

Flash swallowed. "Hey, no… no problem," he managed. "Don't mess with the Gaurvengers' kid. I got it."

"Glad to hear it," said Iron Gaur, and turned back to the _really_ huge bull who stood behind him, leaning on a hammer the size of a mailbox. "All right, Findbennach, I think you can re-open the dimensional portal now."

* * *

 _"The body guard, Okoye, panicked as she moved her hands on the specs that [were] once her king."_ –snowflakewriter101, "Post Infinity War: The Final Battle"

"Oh, really, Okoye, don't look so surprised," Princess Zanda said silkily, returning the hologram jammer to her belt. "Surely you didn't think I just wandered into this club by accident? I knew you were here to meet Mr. Ross – whom you will _not_ be meeting again, by the way – and slip him Princess Shuri's specifications for the latest Wakandan goodwill gift to the United States. I had a feeling I knew where you'd hidden them, so I challenged you to this game and kept my eyes on yours; the way you kept looking down at your king, when you thought I couldn't see, abundantly confirmed my suspicions. And now," she added, opening her ring to reveal a miniature Narobian fusion-ray and pointing it at the royal bodyguard, "perhaps you'll hand over the claw drive; even you, resourceful as you are, must see that you are currently –" she smirked "– out of moves."

But, though her heart was still racing, Okoye's mind had recovered from the initial shock, and she didn't even tremble as she continued to stroke her former king. "Not quite," she said, and raised her voice. " _Ndiyinkosikazi!_ "

Quicker than the eye could follow, the 31 other vibranium chessmen leapt into the air, reassembled themselves into a zebra-striped hover-cannon, and started firing sonic blasts at the Narobian princess. Zanda shrieked with rage; the players at the neighboring tables cried out in alarm; and Okoye snatched up the specs and ran like a cheetah.

* * *

 _"I will see what I can do about us being called in and just try to hold on until Calvary is called in."_ –cornholio4, "Consequences for a King"

The Holy Land was just the same as the Vision remembered it, despite the turmoil elsewhere on Earth. Thanking Heaven for small mercies, he turned himself toward Jerusalem and soared until the hill he sought came into view; alighting in front of the Holy Sepulcher, he knelt down and solemnly kissed the soil.

As if in reply, an immense yet gentle voice sounded about him. "Well met, little one," it said. "What brings you to my summit?"

"Only the direst of need, Lady Calvary," said the Vision. "Terrax the Tamer has awakened the spirits of the Earth's mountains, and poisoned their minds against humanity; on every continent, the great peaks rage against those they once sheltered. The Avengers are doing what they can, but their strength is trivial against what they face; they will surely fail, and the human race perish, unless one of the mountains themselves comes to their aid – one small enough to have been overlooked in the Tamer's courting, yet mighty beyond compare with a power of which he knows nothing." And he gestured meaningfully toward the Sepulcher.

Calvary laughed. "Very well, then," she said. "Go into the sanctuary, earth-child, and take up a handful of my soil from a place that I will show you; then return to your companions, and mark it as it were Lenten ash upon their foreheads and yours. For thus says the Lord: 'Before My blood, the mountains shall melt like wax, and in My Cross shall all the high places of the earth be confounded. Be not unbelieving, but believe.'"

* * *

*In which the Guardians of the Galaxy join with the Avengers to protect Peter Parker, hence the intended portmanteau. (And, yes, it is sad that Tom Holland's Spider-Man seems to need so very much protection. Josh Keaton must be banging his head against a wall somewhere.)


	6. Status, Shtick, A's, Cue

_"They don't have the famous legendary statue of never being conquered that the world knows of in the main Marvel Universe."_ –cornholio4, author's note to "Consequences for a King"

"So, Mr. Parker," said King T'Challa, "are you enjoying your visit to our world's Wakanda?"

Spider-Man of Earth-616 shrugged noncommittally. "It has its points," he said. "You've got some pretty crazy taste in architecture –" he gestured to the thatch-roofed skyline behind them "– but never mind. So where's Wakanda Invicta?"

T'Challa arched an eyebrow. "You're standing in it."

"No, not the country itself," said Spider-Man. "I mean the statue your father erected back in the '60s, in commemoration of three millennia of independence. You know, the 300-foot naked woman raising a spear toward the sky? UNESCO World Heritage Site since 1998? Don't tell me you don't have _that_ here?"

T'Challa's blank look was all the answer he needed. "Oh, come on!" he snapped. "What's wrong with this stupid universe? First my counterpart is this pathetic schlub who needs Tony Stark's help to be a hero, and then there's no Wakanda Invicta? Who's in charge of this place, anyway?"

"Got me, kid," said an old Jewish man with a bristly mustache, who for some reason happened to be passing by. "I've been trying to figure that out for years."

* * *

 _"Plus with his whole 'Captain America' stick, he's got to be the leader."_ –Douttful, "You're My Everything"

"What's the matter?" said Steve, squirming under his colleagues' awestruck stares.

"You've got the whole stick," Bruce breathed.

Steve glanced down at the red-white-and-blue stick in his hand, on which "CAPTAIN AMERICA" was written in large block letters. "Well, sure," he said. "What's so special about that? They put out a whole series of these sticks, back in the day…"

Clint shook his head. "You don't understand, Cap," he said. "Those sticks were all shattered when their heroes were captured and killed by the Soviets – but not before a Wakandan witch doctor invested them with a mystic charism, so that whoever held even the smallest fragment of one could command the loyalty of whole masses of men. Nelson Mandela found two inches of the 'Whizzer' stick, and overturned the power structure of South Africa; Karol Wojtyła got hold of half the 'Miss America' stick, and toppled the Soviet Union. And you have the _whole_ 'Captain America' stick…" Without another word, he sank to one knee and bowed his head before the nonplussed Captain.

As the other Avengers followed his lead, Fury beckoned Maria Hill to his side, and whispered in her ear, "Break the news gently to Coulson, would you?"

* * *

 _"He didn't party, didn't drink, and got straight As."_ –Socrates7727, "Operation SSR"

"Really?" said Nellie Thorsdatter, wide-eyed.

"Indeed," said her uncle solemnly. "And of his three friends, the one who partied but didn't drink got As4O6; the one who drank, but didn't party, got Ca3(AsO4)2; and the one who both partied and drank didn't get any form of arsenic at all. So when you go to college yourself, little princess, you must remember… oh, hello, Jane."

"Loki," said Jane through gritted teeth, "are you trying to corrupt my daughter with your stories of the Mad Campus Poisoner again?"

"Of course," said Loki matter-of-factly. "Isn't that my bounden duty as a wicked uncle?"

* * *

 _"BOOOMM! And that is my queue. Thanks[,] Stane, I owe you one."_ –Bakkughan, "A Twelve Step Program to Omnipotence"

Sure enough, when Michael McCole emerged from the restroom, he found what had once been the queue in front of his window lying in bloody, smoking gobbets of flesh all about the bank, and a huge figure in steel-gray metal training his glowing gauntlets on the Plexiglas. He cast a dispassionate eye around the tableau, and arched an eyebrow. "So," he said, "I guess I kick off early today, then?"

"I would if I were you," Iron Monger replied.

"Boss." McCole grabbed his lunch sack and coat, and headed for the door. "You're my kind of people, Obadiah Stane."


End file.
